Wednesday, February 25, 2009

As I sit and think, my mind is plagued with questions. Deep questions. Hard questions. Questions as thick as molasses. Questions stacked so high, I can't possible reach the answers, even if I had them. Questions so . . . so . . . I don't know! Let me show you what I mean.

Questions of who I am at the very core; questions of the future, questions of the unknown: why am I who I am? Who am I supposed to be? What will I become? Will it be real greatness or just normality? Will I ever get to change the world or must I resort to the small influence of my family at home?

Questions of feelings, questions of unsure emotions; questions of fears: Will I ever see these friends again? Will I ever get to spend time with Chrissy and Grace? Will I get another chance to experience life with them? Will I ever get to laugh with them again? Is this getting close just to fight the battle of separation?

Questions of past hurts, questions of previous failures, questions of possible future disappointments: Why does home scare me? Is this all to be lost upon returning to reality? On arriving home, will it be worse than before? Are all my good times limited to being experienced at the DMC? Will this amazing life continue or flee with the change of the next season? Will this ever happen again? Is this as good as it gets?

Life must continue despite my private crisis. In fact, it will carry on with or without me. But must I always walk with so little confidence and assurance?

I know You have all the answers, but these uncertainties make living life hard. Give me something God, something to know You have heard my questions and that You will keep them until I am ready for their answers. Give me something Lord, anything! A phrase, a song, a deed, a word. Anything, Lord! Just give me something! What is it Lord?


-Amy Young

1 comment:

Christy said...

Something inside of me gave a powerful twist as I read your words. You are not alone in these feelings!
Your questions of future impact are beautiful. I cannot help but believe that God will answer your heart's cry.
Your questions of fear and loss are so similar to those I have struggled, or am struggling with as well. People are so precious. Hold on to those relationships - you have seen and heard God through them. Relationships change, and it is good and right to mourn those changes... but know that God will not remove such treasured people from your life all together. Trust your God, dear heart. Only as you know Him will you find relief from your fears.

Just this morning I read a blog post by a friend (Paige Dueck, the previous director of AE.) Something she said grabbed my heart: "I know now that God allows my feelings and physical condition to contradict what is absolutely true in my spirit so that I will be forced to trust Him, forced to live by the faith of the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me."
I do not know when or if you will read this, but I though I'd share my thoughts anyway. :) I am going to get to meet you next week!
~Christy Wishart